By Noor Alexander
A core principle from NVC that is really enriching my life is the focus on and recognition of choice. I really appreciate this emphasis because I am finding how much we are each conditioned towards a lack of choice – contrary to what we may think – reflected most easily in our use of language. As the saying goes, language creates reality. Therefore, the words we use directly shape our experience in life. Our words can either be life-giving and life-affirming or life-draining and responsibility-denying. Put differently, our language can either reflect personal responsibility or obscure awareness of personal responsibility (Rosenberg, 2015). Wouldn’t you prefer to use language that is simply life-enriching?
An NVC trainer I am studying with, Miki Kashtan, points out that patriarchal culture originated over 8,000 years ago with:
1) the emergence of scarcity,
2) which led to separation, and then
3) resulted in powerlessness.
This may have begun with an invasion/war or natural disaster. Interestingly, Miki has found that to heal this collective and individual trauma, we go in the opposite direction of that which we lost capacity. Thus, we 1) first work to recover choice (from powerlessness), 2) and then seek to create togetherness (as an antidote to separation), and finally 3) restore flow (from scarcity of resources).
In a relatively new personal practice of mine, I am focusing primarily on recovering choice right now, specifically through conscious use of language. In so doing, I have been humbled to discover the extent to which my own use of language often implies a lack of choice. Essentially, I realized that I have had an unconscious habit of using certain (common) words that disconnect me from a sense of empowered choicefulness. Initially, this was deeply discouraging to me, however, I’ve since chosen to let this be an impetus for me to take back my power through conscious reframing and reflection.
Another thing I’ve learned from Miki is that when we have a weakness, one way we can compensate for this is by asking for support. Thus, in order to break this habit of unconscious denial of choice through my diction, I enlisted my partner – Bernie – and asked if he would support me in the idea of a new practice, to which he agreed. Specifically, I asked Bernie to let me know anytime I used words, such as “should,” “have to,” “must,” “need to,” and other similar variations. To my delight, he was inspired by this idea, and is letting my practice to help him to heighten his awareness of when he is not using choiceful language. In this way, it’s been a fun joint endeavor.
The morning after my declaration, after having some cuddle time with my partner, I said to Bernie, “I should get up…,” which I’ve said many times before. And, as soon as I heard myself say that, I had awareness of what I was doing. What I recall is Bernie and I chuckled in this recognition in the spirit of play – rather than judging or shaming – and then I said something like, “I think it makes most sense for me to get up now”, and then, I did. I wasn’t quite ready to leap from where I started (“I should get up”) to “I choose to get up,” so I used language that met me in my authentic truth – simply where I was at.
I remember the morning after that, as I was in bed with my partner and we were speaking, I caught myself saying up to 5 choice-negating expressions, such as “must,” “need to,” “have to,” and each time, as we both caught it, I transformed each phrase: “I have to” became “I choose to” or “I get to”; “I can’t” became “I am not willing to”; “I need to” shifted into “I am choosing to” or “I am willing to.”
Bernie’s support with this new practice has been deeply meaningful and supportive to me, and though he hasn’t requested the same support from me, I might offer it to him as well, so we can both build our choicefulness muscles together. I believe enlisting support in such a way is very useful in transforming a habit because some of our diction is simply automatic and rote.
If you are interested to create a similar practice for yourself, my recommendation would be to first connect with why this would be meaningful to you, align with a sense of choice to create a habit change, declare your new commitment, have it witnessed, and ask for support by creating an agreement with one or more other people. For me, the reason why I’ve chosen to do this specific practice is because I want to be empowered and liberated from language that contracts and constricts me; that sends the hidden disempowering message that I have no choice. In other words, I want to embrace my inherent choice more of the time.
In his book, Nonviolent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg offers a simple process to identify ways in which we are succumbing to lifeless activity and to come out of that (2015, p. 136-37). The basic suggestion is as follows:
1) Create a list of what you’re doing in your life that you don’t experience as playful with corresponding language (i.e. “I should exercise”).
2) Convert the language to acknowledge choice (i.e. “I choose to…”).
3) Get in touch with the needs behind the choice.
Together, steps two and three together might look like: “I choose to…because I want …” A specific example on my list is: “I’ve got to go to the gym 2x a week.” My reframe for this is: “I’d like to go to the gym 2x a week.” And, when I consider my intention underneath my choice it is because I believe that twice a week is the minimum momentum that would best serve me to maintain my physical shape and strength. When I look at the NVC needs list, the needs that are behind choosing to exercise twice a week for me are exercise, growth, physical nurturance, challenge, and to be seen. In recognizing this, what stands out to me most – which is a new discovery to my conscious mind – is the need for challenge. Identifying this is helpful to me because I notice I want to convert going to the gym into a game now in which I challenge myself in a light, playful way. For me, this expands my energy. Somehow, I imagine this reframe and self-awareness will actually support me to go to the gym at least twice a week, moving forward.
In conclusion, we are all culturally conditioned to speak in certain ways based on what is modeled to us by our families, society, media, film, etc. This doesn’t mean the norm is what best serves us. As Rosenberg states, certain “language [can facilitate] denial of personal responsibility for our own feelings and thoughts” (2015, p. 19). The opportunity I am suggesting here is to reflect on our use of language, de-condition ourselves from the unconscious use of responsibility-denying language, and empower ourselves through using language that clearly acknowledges and celebrates choice. In so doing, we can move towards greater joy, play, and opening towards life as conscious creators, which is our birthright.
Reference
Rosenberg, M. B. (2015). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion (3rd ed.). Encinatas, CA: PuddleDancer Press.