Griefwork: How it Opens Space for Life

by Kathleen McKee

A few years ago I attended an online grief workshop by a colleague friend of mine, Noor Alexander. I was curious what my trusted friend would share about this mysterious process and how it could benefit me to actively grieve something that I lost, or that humanity is losing. I am always pushing down the loss of bigger trees from neighborhoods that slowly get less shaded and planted with bushes and ornamentals. The math in my head tell me X fewer trees equal 5X fewer squirrels, birds and insects. The irony of the most popular videos on social media being about animals, especially rescuing them, is not lost on me. I grieve the lost connection to natural rhythms our society has suffered due to increased work schedules, increased attraction to online life and increased sense of danger at being outside in certain neighborhoods where there is gunfire heard every day and night.

Marshall Rosenberg says, “Mourning is very important to do for sorrow, sadness, loss. Hours, days, weeks, years, whatever it takes. Let my feelings tell me when I’m through mourning.” And wisdom says it is important to allow the mourning, the grieving. In life-connected mourning, I attend to the feelings by being with them, letting them flow through my body. It is an honoring of them, respecting them.

In Noor’s workshop I felt my feelings of sadness, disappointment and deep frustration at how systems are set up that control the world’s resources; that assign no economic cost or value to wildlife or the places they inhabit when building new developments. It is cheaper to bulldoze a square mile for new houses than to build each house with the existing natural landscape that would allow for some wildlife corridors of forest and field.

I felt the twisting and burning in my chest and stomach. We were invited to breathe into the areas that we felt the grief. I did this. It felt soothing to attend to those areas that were subsisting in the background, unattended. I was visiting a part of myself I chose to push away and have no space for. We journaled for five minutes. I was able to connect thoughts to the body sensations, and attend to both. Until now, I was trying to be desensitized to my grief and get through each day. Because the “lack of trees” is everywhere I go. I felt some relief in just being full-faced with this grief as it is in my body. Doing that helped my body relax and breathe better.

I implemented some RAIN practice with my grief, learned from Tara Brach. An internal self-compassion practice of Recognizing the war within myself, Allowing the feelings to be there, Investigating how they were living in my body, what sensations was I experiencing, and finally nurturing myself with kind words and acknowledgement that this IS sad, this IS frustrating, and I DO value all the living beings of the ecosystems out there, and they deserve a space to live their fullest lives.

Joanna Macy developed the “Work that Reconnects,” a framework and methodology that in the face of overwhelming social and ecological crises, helps people transform despair and apathy into constructive, collaborative action. She calls the series of collapses of ecosystems on our earth, “The Great Unraveling.” In a podcast interview from Plum Village in November 2021, she said, that after she invited a group of faculty to share with each other a moment when they experienced the crisis of the planet, “they were suddenly so full of laughter and so full of creativity and initiative.”

Expression and griefwork can free our systems to come out of complacency, wallowing, heaviness, self-protection, and life-alienating thinking. This can rear it’s head in so many areas of our lives including self-care and our relationships.

At the end of Noor’s workshop, I felt different. I felt more open, more empowered, lighter and optimistic. I have a quote from my notes on the workshop: “There is so much to grieve in feeling in our modern world with ecosystem loss, isolation, wars. To be fully human today requires grieving…”

And for me grieving with others added value. Being witnessed, or sharing in the place of grief has it’s own healing quality.

I looked for some resources that might help someone right now. Here are some links to resources for griefwork.

Video: Dealing with Loss: Coming Back to Life with Kristin Masters

Video: NVC-based Meditation w/ Yoram Mosenzon: Celebration and Mourning

Video: NVC Life Hacks 6: Mourning with Shantigarbha

Choosing Consciously Through Language

By Noor Alexander

 A core principle from NVC that is really enriching my life is the focus on and recognition of choice. I really appreciate this emphasis because I am finding how much we are each conditioned towards a lack of choice – contrary to what we may think – reflected most easily in our use of language. As the saying goes, language creates reality. Therefore, the words we use directly shape our experience in life. Our words can either be life-giving and life-affirming or life-draining and responsibility-denying. Put differently, our language can either reflect personal responsibility or obscure awareness of personal responsibility (Rosenberg, 2015). Wouldn’t you prefer to use language that is simply life-enriching?

An NVC trainer I am studying with, Miki Kashtan, points out that patriarchal culture originated over 8,000 years ago with:

1) the emergence of scarcity,

 2) which led to separation, and then

3) resulted in powerlessness.

This may have begun with an invasion/war or natural disaster. Interestingly, Miki has found that to heal this collective and individual trauma, we go in the opposite direction of that which we lost capacity. Thus, we 1) first work to recover choice (from powerlessness), 2) and then seek to create togetherness (as an antidote to separation), and finally 3) restore flow (from scarcity of resources).

In a relatively new personal practice of mine, I am focusing primarily on recovering choice right now, specifically through conscious use of language. In so doing, I have been humbled to discover the extent to which my own use of language often implies a lack of choice. Essentially, I realized that I have had an unconscious habit of using certain (common) words that disconnect me from a sense of empowered choicefulness. Initially, this was deeply discouraging to me, however, I’ve since chosen to let this be an impetus for me to take back my power through conscious reframing and reflection.

Another thing I’ve learned from Miki is that when we have a weakness, one way we can compensate for this is by asking for support. Thus, in order to break this habit of unconscious denial of choice through my diction, I enlisted my partner – Bernie – and asked if he would support me in the idea of a new practice, to which he agreed. Specifically, I asked Bernie to let me know anytime I used words, such as “should,” “have to,” “must,” “need to,” and other similar variations. To my delight, he was inspired by this idea, and is letting my practice to help him to heighten his awareness of when he is not using choiceful language. In this way, it’s been a fun joint endeavor.

The morning after my declaration, after having some cuddle time with my partner, I said to Bernie, “I should get up…,” which I’ve said many times before. And, as soon as I heard myself say that, I had awareness of what I was doing. What I recall is Bernie and I chuckled in this recognition in the spirit of play – rather than judging or shaming – and then I said something like, “I think it makes most sense for me to get up now”, and then, I did. I wasn’t quite ready to leap from where I started (“I should get up”) to “I choose to get up,” so I used language that met me in my authentic truth – simply where I was at.

I remember the morning after that, as I was in bed with my partner and we were speaking, I caught myself saying up to 5 choice-negating expressions, such as “must,” “need to,” “have to,” and each time, as we both caught it, I transformed each phrase: “I have to” became “I choose to” or “I get to”; “I can’t” became “I am not willing to”; “I need to” shifted into “I am choosing to” or “I am willing to.”

Bernie’s support with this new practice has been deeply meaningful and supportive to me, and though he hasn’t requested the same support from me, I might offer it to him as well, so we can both build our choicefulness muscles together. I believe enlisting support in such a way is very useful in transforming a habit because some of our diction is simply automatic and rote.

If you are interested to create a similar practice for yourself, my recommendation would be to first connect with why this would be meaningful to you, align with a sense of choice to create a habit change, declare your new commitment, have it witnessed, and ask for support by creating an agreement with one or more other people. For me, the reason why I’ve chosen to do this specific practice is because I want to be empowered and liberated from language that contracts and constricts me; that sends the hidden disempowering message that I have no choice. In other words, I want to embrace my inherent choice more of the time.

In his book, Nonviolent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg offers a simple process to identify ways in which we are succumbing to lifeless activity and to come out of that (2015, p. 136-37). The basic suggestion is as follows:

1) Create a list of what you’re doing in your life that you don’t experience as playful with corresponding language (i.e. “I should exercise”).

2) Convert the language to acknowledge choice (i.e. “I choose to…”).

3) Get in touch with the needs behind the choice.

Together, steps two and three together might look like: “I choose to…because I want …” A specific example on my list is: “I’ve got to go to the gym 2x a week.” My reframe for this is: “I’d like to go to the gym 2x a week.” And, when I consider my intention underneath my choice it is because I believe that twice a week is the minimum momentum that would best serve me to maintain my physical shape and strength. When I look at the NVC needs list, the needs that are behind choosing to exercise twice a week for me are exercise, growth, physical nurturance, challenge, and to be seen. In recognizing this, what stands out to me most – which is a new discovery to my conscious mind – is the need for challenge. Identifying this is helpful to me because I notice I want to convert going to the gym into a game now in which I challenge myself in a light, playful way. For me, this expands my energy. Somehow, I imagine this reframe and self-awareness will actually support me to go to the gym at least twice a week, moving forward.

In conclusion, we are all culturally conditioned to speak in certain ways based on what is modeled to us by our families, society, media, film, etc. This doesn’t mean the norm is what best serves us. As Rosenberg states, certain “language [can facilitate] denial of personal responsibility for our own feelings and thoughts” (2015, p. 19). The opportunity I am suggesting here is to reflect on our use of language, de-condition ourselves from the unconscious use of responsibility-denying language, and empower ourselves through using language that clearly acknowledges and celebrates choice. In so doing, we can move towards greater joy, play, and opening towards life as conscious creators, which is our birthright.

Reference

Rosenberg, M. B. (2015). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion (3rd ed.). Encinatas, CA: PuddleDancer Press.

Anti-racism/Anti-Colonization Resources

We want to share this curated list of resources for anti-racist action from Agazit (Freedom) Asihel.

Anti-racist things to watch on Netflix (please be aware of maturity ratings before showing children or anyone who might be offended):

• 13th - a documentary about the criminal justice system

• When They See Us - docuseries based on a true story

• Self-Made - docuseries that discusses sexism, colorism and racism

Hulu/YouTube/Google play/Prime Video:

• Little Fires Everywhere –discusses racism

Kids share their views on racism:

• https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6xSyRJqIe8&t=107s

** Suggest finding TED Talks about racism, colonization, xenophobia and homophobia as well

Anti-racism reading:

• Bookstore >> https://www.mahoganybooks.com/

• Reading List >> https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.nytimes.com/2019/05/29/books/review/antiracist-reading-list-ibram-x-kendi.amp.html

• Colorism blog >> www.colorismhealing.com

• Mental Health Issues Facing the Black Community

Socially Conscience accounts on Instagram:

Black Therapist:

• @dr.marielbuque

• @decolonizingtherapy

• @nedratawwab

• @melanatedwomenshealth

• @men_to_heal

• @eric_thecounselor

• @lovingmeafterwe

Black Socially conscience:

• @theselflovefix

• @alliesdoingwork

Awareness for Black and Brown people who are displaced due to long standing impacts of racism/colonization/white supremacy in their native countries by European nations (including Spain and Portugal): 

• @instabaji

• @refugeeoutreachuga

• @refugees

• @teamrefugees

Latinx therapist/mental health:

• @latibulecounseling

• @latinxtherapy

Native American accounts:

• @lilnativeboy

• @nativegiving

Asian/Indian therapist:

• @alyssamariewellness

• @seerutkchawla

 **If you don’t have an Instagram account I would try to follow people on any other social media account you may have that will expose you to different perspectives on a regular basis. Or you can look up people’s Instagram accounts through a Google Search.  

“Black Owned” products:

Cosmetics, household supplies and more:

• The @thinkdirty app is an app that shows people what type of toxins are in the products they use, they have a “Black Owned” section on their app that features products by Black businesses. The app is also free.

Puzzles:

• Puzzle Huddle is a company that is “Black Owned” and creates puzzles that feature Black people who have reached various career goals, this is something you can purchase for children that you know or donate to your spiritual place of worship, community centers, etc.https://puzzlehuddle.com/

Etsy’s “Black Owned” section: Link Here

More businesses/awareness:

• www.hellajuneteenth.com/ *this site has a “Ways to take Action” tab that has a lot of information about how to be an ally

My Self Love Journey Accelerated with NVC

By Kathleen McKee

Part of my healing journey over the last decade has been to come to terms with events and the conditioning of my childhood. Mostly with some challenging deep beliefs that severely limit my sense of power to create something that I actually want for my life.

A pattern was laid down in my childhood to be the good girl and to do what was expected of me; to be the attractive girl, the obedient Catholic, the good student and pleasant young lady my parents wanted me to be. It would be for them a reflection of their successful dutiful parenting. This generated for me a strong inner critic and strong mechanism of self-shaming to keep myself in line with that expectation.

I saw life as this autopilot system of going to college, getting a good job, marrying and being a responsible citizen and daughter. Along the way, I had bumbled into romantic relationships while staying true to my habit of giving what I thought the other person wanted so they would be content and comfortable, and this in turn created a temporary sense of belonging and approval with that person, but when we got to a point that was natural for the relationship to go deeper, I was not available. I didn’t know myself or what I wanted. At the point it was clear it was time to take a direction, I didn’t know where I wanted to go. I just wanted to be cherished unconditionally by whoever was there at the moment.

My flexibility to satisfy the needs and wants of the other was a wonderful strategy for a child that wanted to be loved and gain her parents’ approval! But getting along was not enough for creating deep connection and commitment with others in my adult life.

As I began to connect to how  this pattern was  not serving my life or others in it, I awoke to two things: I didn’t know myself, and I didn’t have language to communicate myself as I discovered who I was, neither to myself, nor to others around me.

Then in therapy, I learned about this idea of self-compassion. Huh? Be nice to myself? Stop judging myself and beating myself up for another failed relationship or for being a totally clueless friend?  I didn’t realize how harsh I was with myself, it was this automatic dark alchemy that made me feel insecure and unlovable.

Once I began to have compassion for myself, I started to get to know myself. I allowed myself to take a moment to be with my feelings and my habitual reaction, and then I could start to see how that would serve me. I learned how to honor the purpose of my old habits; to stop rejecting them with the harsh criticism that I myself received from impatient, stressed, depressed parents with no training in emotions language. This process of self-compassion was slow and happened across multiple painful experiences with relationships.

As I’ve learned Transformative Communication with Satvatove Institute and Nonviolent Communication (NVC) with Leif, Marina and Eze over the last nine years, I’ve been able to take a deeper look at my needs and desires and hold them like a baby bird in my hand, and my self-compassion has grown exponentially.

As I’ve connected with the self-empathy of NVC, I’ve created a new more radical pattern of honoring my needs. All of them. The approach of NVC is not about keeping the peace or getting along (as I was trained from an early age). At its core, NVC is about generating compassionate, heartfelt conversations so that our needs are not only considered, but also valued. Marshall Rosenberg said, “NVC’s most important use may be in developing self-compassion.”

For me, NVC has been an approach where that lesson is more deeply sinking in to my psyche. Nonviolent communication has cultivated for me a gentler approach to myself, allowing my current experience to be there, and to recognize that my childhood patterns served an invaluable purpose and parts of me are still being protective.  Nonviolent communication engenders moment to moment attention to what IS happening rather than what SHOULD be happening, and a heartfelt compassion for that, whatever it is.

So we can give loving attention from our hearts to those parts of ourselves that we once rejected or hated and allow them to be seen and experienced. I have experienced that this naturally has evolved to a calming of their energy, and I have cultivated more gentle regard toward those parts, which beautifully and organically has resulted in more gentle regard toward others with whom I used to feel frustrated or judgmental. When we are violent to ourselves, it is difficult to be compassionate toward others.

Nonviolent communication has encouraged me to take time with myself to feel into what I am experiencing and how that connects to what I am wanting, and how to be compassionate with those feelings and desires. I have reduced my self-judging part and allowed for what is just there inside of myself with actual love and curiosity. This gives me space and permission to be with it, and have compassion for it. 

I am finally able to observe the judging voice and just be with myself and connect to my thoughts, beliefs, feelings and needs as they are because I am acknowledging my needs…. Even the ones I used to judge as “not ok” needs.

It has taken some time to adjust my old-self talk, and be more of a giraffe with myself. In NVC, the giraffe is used as a symbol of a being that perceives everyone’s needs (having a perspective of the landscape with the tall long neck), responds from the heart (giraffes have very large hearts), and helps others connect to their needs even if they are expressing with anger, blame, attack or victim consciousness (giraffe saliva can dissolve thorns). Giraffes mainly hear the messages of “please” and “thank you,” regardless of how a person is speaking or the words they are saying.

So when my self-critic and self-judgement go into action, I can summon my inner giraffe to be gentle with those parts of me and melt those painful thorns that have been poking me since I was a young girl keeping myself in line to earn my parents’ approval. I continue my journey into “giraffe-dom,” cultivating kindness, curiosity, and presence with myself that is ushering in a new sense of gentle wholeness and self-knowing.

I connect more to what I want and what I value.  I am more able to share myself, express myself, and be knowable by another. I don’t need to “do anything it takes to feel cherished.” I cherish myself.

Turning Anger On Its Head — To the Heart

By Noor Alexander

Do you believe that other people cause your pain? When you feel angry, do you believe the other person deserves punishment? Anger has been an emotion that I have grappled and worked with for many years and up until recently, found myself controlled by on some level. I’ve done a lot of anger work – from release techniques like using a plastic bat on a mattress to boxing a punching bag, and using modalities ranging from primal scream therapy to EMDR.

Perhaps, the single most effective and simplest answer in helping me to transform my anger and work with it more productively has been something I discovered in the book, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. It is helping me to drop from my mind to my heart, from outer focus to inner connection, and from blame and wanting to punish others to self-understanding.

Let’s debunk the myths and shine some light on the heart of anger, using the life-changing principles and tools of NVC.

Exploring the Cause:

Most of us learn to express our anger superficially through verbal and physical attacks, mental critiques, labels, and judgments. While this allows for some discharge and release of energy, I have not found it satisfying in terms of conflict resolution and supporting connection. Thus, something is clearly missing. External blame implies that the other person is responsible for our feelings, and so often anger becomes an attack outwards. Marshall challenges this notion in this powerful insight, “We are never angry because of what others say or do”. If we accept this to be true, then it stands that “the behavior of others may be a stimulus [for our anger] but not the cause”, as he states.

Let’s take an example – I was recently expressing something important to my boyfriend, Bernie, and he responded in a way that made it hard for me to trust that he fully heard me. My immediate response was one of frustration, “You’re not hearing me!”, which triggered his defensiveness. In that moment, I was making Bernie to be the cause of my frustration, and it was his fault. In choosing differently, I can see that the situation was really a stimulus for me to connect with a sensitive wound, which is that I never felt really heard by my mother growing up and have a really important need to be heard. Understanding that my need to be heard was at the core of my frustration, and ultimately the cause, allowed me take back my power and communicate to my boyfriend about my sensitivity in a way that he could hear, such as “I’m feeling frustrated right now because I really want to be heard and understood by you.”

Understanding Anger:

If we don’t recognize the important message of anger pointing us inwards to connect with our unmet needs, anger can linger. And, when anger is alienated and disconnected from our needs, it can easily take the form of external blame and punishment. As such, it becomes like a moralistic cop, assuming the position of authority, telling others how they “should” behave and what they “deserve”. When I notice this happening for me, my belief is I need to teach someone a lesson and ensure that they learn, so that I don’t have to experience that reaction again. The reality is, however, underneath the reaction (i.e. the desire to punish and wrong) is a cry to connect with our deeper feelings and unmet needs; the real pain is the disconnection. Marshall reminds us, “At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled”.

Problem – Solution:

There is nothing essentially bad, wrong, or unnatural about anger. Letting anger overstay its welcome, however, is not useful or wise. As Marshall states, “Anger indicates that we have moved up to our head to analyze and judge”. Staying in this mental sphere of analysis and labeling “co-opts our energy by directing it toward punishing people rather than meeting our needs”. As such, it is not productive. Anger is valuable, however, when we let it wake us up to the reality that we have a need that isn’t being met and thinking in a way that makes it unlikely that it will be met. Rosenberg’s answer or recommendation is to practice the following four-step formula when noticing anger arise:

1)      Stop. Breathe.

2)      Identify judgmental thoughts.

3)      Connect with needs.

4)      Express feelings and unmet needs.

In the example given earlier, the judgmental thought I had of my boyfriend in the moment of rupture was that he’s a bad listener. My need was to be heard and loved. I felt frustrated and angry because I desperately wanted to be heard and understood. Expressing this to him allowed Bernie to understand what was going on for me, and with this awareness, he was open and wanting to support me in meeting my need, which fostered greater connection and closeness between us. Marshall’s solution, which I resonate with, is to “Shine the light of consciousness on our own feelings and needs. Rather than going up to our head to make a mental analysis of wrongness regarding somebody, we choose [instead] to connect to the life that is within us”,

I am learning to reframe blame in a whole new way outside of my former default setting, based on what was modeled to me growing up. Now, when I notice blame arising, I question what’s going on for me inside – I take a moment to slow down and check in if there is a need that is covered up and longing to be met. Once I connect with this, I notice the energy of my desire to blame, punish, and avenge another lessens, and instead, I choose to focus on compassion for myself.

I encourage you to take these insights and practice them in your life – see that others are not a cause for your anger, but the stimulus; realize that anger focused on punitive actions diverts and co-opts your energy; when anger arises, shine the light on your deeper feelings and unmet needs. In doing so, you will turn anger on its own head and let yourself drop into your heart, deepening your compassion and self-understanding. Not only is this practice more productive and effective in dealing head-on with anger, but it is also more kind and loving to self and others.

Seeing the Unseen: 3 Steps to Creating More Consciousness In Life

I consider one of the fundamental requirements for living a happy, healthy, and fulfilling life is to live consciously. What I mean by this is not being on autopilot. I could also describe this as being present, as having an awareness moment-to-moment of my thoughts, feelings, and intentions.

I’m not implying that one has to have a monk-like perfect awareness in order to live consciously and be happy. Naturally, being conscious and cultivating awareness is a process (as annoying as this may seem at times), and losing awareness is in itself a valuable experience that we can become conscious of.

Being conscious is not about knowing everything, being enlightened, or being perfect. It’s about being present and vulnerable enough to recognize when we make mistakes, to notice the intentions behind our actions, and to be open to discovery. Being conscious is about having a keen and sometimes child-like (not child-ish) sense of discovery.

And, perhaps most challenging, being conscious is about taking responsibility about all of our life experience (including all of our life experiences). taking responsibility,  is awesome, empowering, and different from blame, and ultimately it’s about noticing what I am doing or not doing that is creating the life experience that I am having.

A brief story about a moment of consciousness I had just a few days ago:

It was a cool summer night in Florida with a nearly-full moon beaming down her gorgeous light upon my yard, as I was texting an old friend whom I had reconnected with moments prior. I was enjoying the connection so much - even though it was significantly past my bedtime - the interaction was nourishing to my heart and mind. I then became aware of feeling sad, even guilty, and I wasn’t sure why, it didn’t make sense to me at first, but knowing fully well that what I was feeling was real, I decided to take a deeper look at what was going on inside myself.

Step 1: Notice the inner discomfort, and feel the feelings.

I indirectly asked myself “what’s going on for me?” and became aware of this oh-so-subtle belief about this person, that they were evil, dark, and manipulative. I was shocked! This thought, was so well camouflaged into my reality that I didn’t even know I believed this about her! It wasn’t like “she’s evil. Oh yeah, definitely” or even “she’s manipulative. No she’s not!” It was so stealthy, so sneaky, this belief I had formed, I didn’t even realize there was a belief that I could question. It was part of “how the world is” for me.

Step 2: Pause to ask, “what is it I believe that's causing the discomfort/ feelings?”

As I write this I’m still thrilled that I noticed this belief because to me it signals a stepping into the next level of self-awareness. I feel like I’ve leveled up in my ability to live consciously in a more subtle, refined, and deeper way.

I feel inspired to share this because this process is representative of what I mean when I say that living consciously is a prerequisite for living happily. This isn’t by any means the first “heavy” judgment or belief I’ve found myself carrying, albeit the subtlest. And there’s no way in heck I could ever be happy if I didn’t endeavor to recognize these little sneaky, squirmy thoughts and stop them from propagating.

Step 3: Decide if you want to keep the thoughts causing the discomfort (sometimes you will want to), or if you want to think new thoughts and create a different experience.

There are things you believe you don’t even know you believe. I challenge you to discover them!

Being with What Hurts: Soften and Touch by Marina Smerling

Sometimes, all the tools of self-help and personal growth and relational realigning are just too much.  My good God, all the books we could read, all the seminars we could take. 

In my life and in my coaching work, I look for themes. Anything to help make this complex endeavor called Being a Human on Earth in 2018 a slightly more bearable or even graceful journey.

In a sense, so many of the questions can be boiled down to: when I hurt, what do I do?

Over the years, I’ve written about manifold, many-stepped processes involving various role plays and affirmations and perhaps even a guardian spirit porcupine or two, and yet I am finding that, so often, a simple two-step process helps most in the moments when our hearts ache, our hands tremble, and our bellies rage.

Soften

When we are triggered, our bodies tend to tighten, our chests constrict, and we harden around our emotions.  I find with many clients, and in my own being, that there is often a sense of aloneness that accompanies our pain, and then a defendedness, a kind of, “If you’re not gonna see me in here, I’m not gonna show you anyway.”  Indeed, the showing of our hurt would be too risky, too painful.  And so we harden, put up walls, hide in order to protect our sweet, suffering hearts.  But the irony is, we hurt even more in our aloneness. 

With my partner, for instance, when I am tight and guarded with him, I experience the most anguish.  “Why can’t you be with me in here?” I plead silently, even as my overt words debate the logic of who’s right and who’s wrong.  He can’t feel me because my walls are up.  I feel anguish, wanting his company, but all he hears is my argument, my poke, my defendedness. 

Softening is the process of allowing our feelings, offering gentleness around them, giving them permission to be here.  You might imagine warm hands embracing the hard stone in your throat.  You might remind yourself, “It’s okay, Fear/Anger/Grief, etc.  You get to be here, just as you are.” 

This is often the hardest of the two steps.  Moving away from our animal instinct to curl up and retract in the face of a poke to our hearts and psyches, and instead allowing our feelings to be here.  Softening *around* the curling up, instead of tightening around it.  The curl may remain tightly bound, but it will nonetheless notice the presence of softness just outside.

When I practice softening when my partner and I have had a disconnect, it might take the form of me envisioning a pillowy cloud around a little girl with her brows furrowed and chin down.  Or simply reminding myself, "It's okay, sweetheart. Your fear is welcome here."  Or dropping an intention of allowance and welcoming into the waters of my heart. So many ways to soften.

Touch

We were born and designed to be regulated through contact, through kind and loving presence and attention from another.  We were not meant to fend for ourselves, alone.  Despite our conditioning to “go it alone,” “figure it out yourself,” and “pull up on your bootstraps, kid,” in truth, we were meant to have many other hands around those bootstraps, many other hands and arms and hearts to accompany our own.

Thus once we’ve softened, unfolded, revealed the ache, the burn, the terror inside… our feelings need contact. 

We can find contact in several ways.

One, we can call upon our very own selves.  This is self-empathy, self-compassion, our physical hands on our hearts, on our bellies, our imaginary hands cupping our young selves, the ones aching for touch and acknowledgment.  This may look like saying to ourselves, “There there, I see you, and I’m not leaving.”

Two, if we are so lucky, we can call upon another.  This might be a friend, a family member, a therapist or a coach, someone who can lend us their kind, attuned, empathic attention to the places we hurt most.  These are our trusted listeners, and they help us remember what it is to be loved in the places we feel most unlovable, to have company in the places we feel most destined to eternal solitude.

Three, if we have a spiritual practice, we can open our hurt to God.  Saying to God, “See God, it hurts right here.  Will you touch the hurt?”  We open, and then we let God touch what hurts.  Letting God touch, caress, kiss the owies that are too big for us to figure out alone.  Handing them over.  “Here God, you take it.”  I use the word God, but you might say Spirit, Creation, the Universe, or something else.     

Something happens in the touching – whether it’s contact from ourselves, from another, or from a sense of the divine.  Sometimes clarity arrives – a long-awaited answer.  Sometimes, it’s a deep and unfathomable self-tenderness.  Sometimes, there is a sudden and unprecedented letting go where just moments before our palms were tightly gripped.

One step, two step.  Soften.  Touch.

When we soften and touch in the presence of another, even if it is we ourselves who do the contacting, suddenly, we can let others see us, see in.  When I can do this with my partner when we’ve had a disconnect, everything shifts.  He can see me, and is naturally moved toward tenderness with me.  When we let trusted others in, we often find even more contact in the places where we’ve felt unbearably alone.

This softening and touching is, I believe, the greatest gift we can offer our tender, hurting, inevitably fallible human selves.  Not denying the pain, not “getting over it,” not shoving it into the closet.  But letting it be here and offering it the kind and merciful presence that is and was always its birthright. 

It’s here that the magic unfolds.  Our suffering finds hands to hold (within or without).  From an embodied sense of a larger “we,” new wisdom emerges.  The alchemy of softening, then contacting allows new possibilities to emerge in moments of adversity, lending long-awaited mercy to the places where we have believed we were all alone.

Feeling the Unfeelable: Freeing Yourself to Love

By Marina Smerling

We humans are so precious.

Loving light beings with aches and bruises and owies galore.

Doing our best to love each other.  Doing our best to be kind.  Doing our best to get the dang laundry done, the kids in bed, our teeth and theirs brushed quickly and on time, without hurting anyone or anything in the process.

We try.

And yet those feelings arise in us, the ones we would rather do anything than feel, the ones that have us lash out, say things we don’t mean, pull away when we actually want help, go quiet when there is actually so much to say.

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Humbling Realization

By Eze Sanchez

I've been practicing Conscious Communication for three or four years informally, formally for two, and teaching it for almost one. This information will come in handy later for shock appeal.

Last week, after a painful conversation between my mom and I - a conversation which was filled with crying, mostly on my part, suffering, on both parts, and in the end, connection - my mom decided she wanted to understand me and my siblings more. This culminated in my purchasing for her a copy of “Comunicación No Violenta” - the Nonviolent Communication book in Spanish (our native tongue).

I was thrilled.

FINALLY. She'd finally get how much she was getting in the way of our connection by not empathizing and with her habitual roadblocks. 

I would finally be understood by my mom.

The following week l called her for a brief check-in conversation, and she began sharing with me about some pain she was experiencing. Someone in our family kept attacking her relentlessly and she couldn't get over the emotional.barrage.

I quickly saw a solution - "Mom, if you change your perspective about it, it won't hurt you."

"Just listen to HER needs, mom!! What could she be needing?!" I passionately commanded.

After some time, maybe it was 30 minutes, maybe it was an hour, I realized I had been yelling at her, advising her, telling her what to do, and otherwise roadblocking her from multiple angles, without a sliver of empathy. "I know just what she needs," was my agenda.

After this embarrassing realization, I decided to switch to what I know always works and never fails - empathy. I offered her empathy through some simple reflections and within two or three paraphrases of what I heard her saying came the resounding, "That's it! I have clarity!"

After celebrating with her, I decided to share with her my embarrassing realization, which she received lovingly and easily and we shortly got off the phone.

I'm still using this realization to keep myself in check of when I think, "I know better," and when I may be forgetting the foundation of Conscious Communication - empathy.

When in doubt, empathize.

I'm sharing this, not to intimidate by giving you the idea that even years after learning about empathy you'll still be yelling at your loved ones, but to offer playfulness and even self-empathy around the times when you "mess up," roadblock a connection, and get in the way of love. I'm sharing this to let you know that I'm not perfect, and I don't recommend expecting that from yourself, either.

I'm sharing this, so you'll accept yourself, as you are, "wherever" you are.

I'm sharing this because I care about you.

It's not about perfection, it's about empathy, acceptance, and love.

I'll finish here by recapping a quote Noor shared at our last workshop last Wednesday, which he attributed to Eckhart Tolle:

"If you think you're enlightened, spend a weekend with your parents."

If in anyway, I was getting in my head about "being great at empathy," my mom came through to offer me a liberating gift from this trap of ego, in the form of a Humbling Realization.

With care, love and affection,

Eze

The Bison in the Room

By Noor Alexander

My boyfriend, Bernie and I are just wrapping up a visit to Destin, Florida with one of his historical friends I’ve just been introduced to, who he warned me in advance was unusual and a character. I got to experience this side of him, and one way that happened was through my shock when we arrived at his friend’s house during our second evening together for our pre-arranged dinner plans (just him and us) – only to discover he had already eaten with other guests and left some bare bison leftovers for us. When we arrived at his home a little earlier than we said, Dick greeted us with (what appeared to me) a cold, aloof look on his face and suggested we could grill more bison if we wanted to. I really didn’t know how to take it all in; I was in disbelief; I felt like I was in a movie or unreal dream. As I was noticing all that was coming up for me – feeling shocked, confused, angry – I simultaneously felt pressure or expected to – given social rules – to put on an open, friendly mask and turn my social graces on. However, I wasn’t in that space. I was present with my anger and confusion because I needed clarity, communication, understanding. In exchanging eyes with Bernie, I could tell his face communicated, “WTF?” Allowing Bernie to speak with Dick and his guests, I excused myself to use the restroom and begin to take the whole spectacle in. At one point, I waved to my boyfriend to join me in the bathroom, where we briefly discussed our responses to the situation, and he shared that he was choosing not to react.

A little later, when I heard the guests getting up to leave, I felt this was a good time to enter back and ask Dick about the whole situation. So, I did. Granted, I didn’t know him well (having just met him the day before), but I do know myself and attuning to my own feelings and needs is a new practice of conscious self-care for me. I was aware I was feeling outraged, hurt, and disappointed because I needed respect, clarity, communication, understanding, and resolution.

Then, I put myself in his shoes to help me make sense of my confusion, and I speculated that he may have been feeling upset, disappointed, and let down because he may have been wanting more inclusion and connection time with us. I also guessed he may have felt disappointed because he expected to hang out with us the previous evening and that the dinner time we proposed was too late for him. As I’m writing this, I’m aware how much hurt and suffering can be caused when there is a discrepancy between one’s expectations and the reality of a situation, or when we don’t communicate our expectations or wants by expressing our feelings and needs clearly and in a way that advocates and truly stands up for ourselves. That was my experience of Dick, and that is also how I used to be. I am choosing differently now.

Subsequently, I chose to speak my truth and address the situation head-on rather than simply partake in the small talk because I needed authentic communication and wanted connection. Dick appeared uncomfortable and quickly steered the conversation in a different direction. Feeling unmet and resolute in my intention, I chose to nudge further and inquire whether he was maybe feeling upset or disappointed about the night before and our proposal to meet a little later for dinner; Dick then hesitantly and uncomfortably acknowledged that that had played a role, and admitted that he was being passive-aggressive.

Sometimes, it takes patience, resilience, and a commitment to connection.

We both hastily apologized for the impact and miscommunication, and though I wasn’t entirely satisfied, I was reminded that making space for unmet needs is important and an expression of compassion – and that, I can offer myself self-empathy to attend to some of my residual unresolved feelings and needs, which was self-supportive.

Overall, our expectations of a solo dinner with Dick on Saturday did not meet the reality of how things unfolded. Taking a bird’s eye view, I find the entire experience now somewhat amusing and a lesson in taking in information…

Experiencing Dick in this challenging way allowed me to eventually connect to our shared values of inclusion and connection and to appreciate his preference for eating early. Accepting the reality as it happened, while integrating my guesses of his feelings and needs, is what I am gathering and taking away to inform me how to better show up next time in a more mutually enriching and connecting way.

After addressing “the bison by the horns”, I noticed a shift in Dick –  he offered to grill us some meat, suddenly became more host-like, and the conversation that followed was pleasant. Together, Bernie, Dick, and I ended up really enjoying the bison burgers and hot dogs (my first ever!), after the “bison in the room” had finally been addressed.